The Journey Continues

Several months back - November, I think - I wrote my last post here. Thinking I was somewhat out of the valley I moved on to other passions. . .new passions. This past weekend made me think, was I out of the valley, or was I encountering a new valley? What have I learned during my time in the valley? Am I different because of my valley experience? Was that difference good or bad? Positive or negative? I could go on, but you're probably getting the picture by now.

This last Saturday I posted about a song I heard and how it made me feel - click here to read it. In that post I spoke of loss - the loss of someone you love to death, illness, drugs, alcohol, pornography, an accident, or to anything else. When I say "anything" I don't necessarily mean a physical death, it could be anything that takes control of their life and leads them to a detrimental result.

I got to thinking. . .Did I lose something or someone after Karen's death? I'm not thinking in terms of Karen, obviously I lost her. I'm also not thinking of losing something in me associated with Karen, like I wrote about here. No, I'm thinking more in terms of me personally.

Actually, I'm thinking more along the lines of did I lose something in me. . .a part of me. . .that has made me different? I seem to be more cynical these days. I'm definitely less trusting. I worry about things that Karen used to worry about. I'm less carefree than I used to be. I used to think I had that wild-man faith that John the Baptist exhibited. Now, I find myself needing more confirmation from God about things. I think that's it. I've lost my deeper sense of trust - in God, in people, even in myself. For good or bad, I think I have lost someone I loved to this situation. I've lost the man that once ran wildly, chasing after God, while everyone else sat on the sideline telling him how crazy he was.

I miss that guy. I miss his willingness to go all out for God no matter the circumstance or the obstacles. I've asked God to bring him back. Like the father of the prodigal son, I long to see him again. I watch the horizon for his figure to come racing home - full bore, head low, stride wide open. I wait with anticipation and expectation. I wait for "one day". One day when my heart will be united with my passion for God and the pursuit of His heart above everything else.

Ever feel like that? I know some of you have. I know some of you are feeling like that now. I know some of you feel like you've lost something. . .something very deep within you. . . through the valleys of life. Don't give up. Like the father of the prodigal son, don't lose hope. Don't give in to fears. Don't stop looking forward to "one day."

Until "one day",
Mike