Seasons of Life

Ever realized that there are certain seasons of our lives that no matter how much we prepare for them, we just are not ready? Take marriage. We plan, we dream, we combine, then it happens . . . we begin to live together. Doesn't always work out according to the plan, does it?

What about children. I've been told, and have observed, that no matter how much effort parents put into the preparation for that first child . . . it's never enough. The books may help, parents may offer their support and advice, and the room may be filled with every toy and learning gadget available, but it just ain't enough.

There are always things you just can't prepare for - that first argument (though making up isn't half bad), or when the baby isn't wanting to cooperate the night before your really big event, or meeting or whatever is on your agenda for the next day.

Loosing a spouse is the same way. At 1:10 pm on Sunday, May 8, 2005, my wife, Karen, went to worship her God for eternity. No matter how much we prepared - making arrangements and decisions ahead of time - it just didn't prepare me for tonight.

I tried sleeping. But there is a Karen-sized hole in me right now. I will never hold her again. I will never get to kiss those soft lips of hers again. I won't get to see the twinkle in her eye that appeared when she smiled at me, even in the midst of her pain. I will never here her say, "I love you." That last one is huge for me. The one thing I always wanted her to know was that I loved her. Every day I would ask , "Did I tell you I love you today?" Regardless of her answer I would always reply, "I love you." I never wanted her to take my love for granted or think that I took her love for granted. Regardless, I will never get that opportunity again.

The house is already different. Her medicine is gone. Her chair and the area around it has been cleaned up and all the medical stuff has been removed. I actually sat in her chair for the first night since she came home from the hospital a couple of months ago. Yeah, it was weird! I wasn't prepared for that feeling either. I had a few moments alone in the house, I wasn't sure what to expect, but I can tell you it was kind of eerie. There was a presence missing, a Karen presence.

I wasn't prepared for this. I'm not sure I'm prepared for tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. But I know that my Savior is standing beside me. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. I'll take that!

I know there's life after death for spouses remaining on this alien planet. I know, in due time, things will "make sense" again. But most of all I know God is still God and He's always right.

Karen has reached her mountain top and what a view she has from there. I will continue my journey through the valley. I will not give up, I will trust in my shepherd, and I will continue looking forward to the next mountain top.